Analog is having a moment. According to the LA Times, “the goal of the analog lifestyle trend is to wean people off constant digital connectivity by doing tangible activities that help a person reclaim their time.” I would argue that analog activities take that one step further: they help us reclaim our humanity.

You can’t get much more analog than having an in-person conversation between you and your clients (even if “in person” is via Zoom). According to a study conducted by Discover Lab, over the course of more than 100 meetings, advisors spoke approximately 70% of the time. And on top of that, the questions they asked were more than 90% close-ended. In other words, advisors were talking, but they weren’t listening.

Researchers agree that conversations are essential to our well-being and health. Listening is as essential to those conversations as talking is. Ensuring that the person you are conversing with is an equal part of that conversation is a big part of that. Everyone wants to be heard—and understood. According to one study, people tend to underestimate how positively others respond to social outreach, particularly conversation. Despite what we may think, most people prefer having a conversation instead of simply getting a message because a message can often be a dead-end street. We all have a need to be heard, and we all crave the connection that comes through conversation.

As I point out in the book I coauthored with Scott West, Defining Conversations, there is clearly a discernment issue about when and where to send a message or have a face-to-face conversation. The ability to make this judgment applies to all our exchanges, whether one-on-one or with a group. We are living at a time when we are in danger of losing our ability—and desire—to engage in conversation.

Technology simultaneously simplifies and complicates our lives. In the case of texting, it is a giant leap toward brevity and convenience, but risks short-circuiting connectivity. Texting or sending an email may serve your interests, but what about your client’s?

Texting often gets used in a way that removes essential elements of a true conversation and reduces the exchange to only the points each person wants to make. Instead of making us more connected, we are less connected. Cadence is missing, and content is curated to the point that one of you may be missing an opportunity.

Conversation has become a way to either control others or present to them instead of engaging with—and listening to—the other person. As a result, the potential benefits that are only possible through conversation are lost. The need to maintain control subverts the potential for connectivity and understanding. And both of you end up losing.

The myth of “safety through control” has us mistakenly believe we can control both the interaction and the result. In our obsession to control, we try to map out the exchange including what points to make and when to respond. The need to control every step of every exchange is a flaw that cripples our conversations. It also explains why many of us have become presenters instead of conversers.

How many times have you walked into an important conversation only to walk away disappointed, or even angry because you “couldn’t get a word in edgewise”? How often in an exchange have you felt dismissed, trivialized, ignored, or coerced? How frequently have you left feeling insignificant and alone in your concerns? Again, put yourself in your client’s shoes and ask yourself the same questions. Be honest, regardless of how painful that may be!

One of the first walls that hold back productive conversations is a lack of curiosity. When curiosity is absent, people often play games in the name of conversation. They try to manipulate and dominate others. They put up forgeries that on the surface sound like conversation but that are, in fact, camouflaged forms of communication designed to gain the upper hand, all the while looking like a team player.

Exchanges grounded in curiosity solve two needs:

  1. Humans have an innate need to connect through conversation.
  2. An incredible satisfaction occurs at the apex of a great conversation. The conversation becomes significant—it becomes defining.

Think of a defining conversation as the difference between a full-course, sit-down gourmet meal and one you opted for from the drive through. Have you ever had a really great conversation while picking up dinner at the drive-through? Neither have I.

When it comes to conversations, we have frayed connections—or none at all—because we just aren’t curious. We talk, we don’t engage, we don’t listen.

As a trusted advisor, you need to ensure you understand your client’s point of view, hear both their thoughts and feelings on a topic, and comprehend the significance of a conversation in the bigger picture that is their life. If the right things are heard and said, the conversation has the potential to become memorable and defining.

Once you discover the natural course of conversation along with the satisfaction and dignity it brings, you will no longer be satisfied with cheap substitutes. You will seek out conversation for the satisfaction it brings to you—and your clients. If you have the necessary confidence in your skills as a conversationalist, you will not give into the lures of presenting, telling, and controlling. Instead, you will meaningfully engage clients, achieve mutuality, and realize the connectivity that breeds success in every realm of life. Advisors who are great conversationalists recognize that results don’t happen because messages are sent, but because they connect with others through defining conversations.