2012:  The Year of Conversation

Mitch Anthony

Many of us simply don’t know how to converse anymore. Conversation has become a forum for either controlling others or presenting to them. As a result, we often fail to comprehend the potential benefits that are only possible through conversation. It is this need to maintain control that subverts the potential for connectivity and understanding.

The myth of “safety through control” is sterilizing our conversations to the point of impotence, where we often mistakenly believe we can stay in control of the interaction and the result. Consequently, in our obsession to control, we try to map out the exchange—what points to make and when to respond. For example, if you are a skier, you may prefer the nicely groomed trails because you can see the terrain under your skis. Deep powder may make you apprehensive because you cannot see the terrain—you feel less in control.

Those of us who believe we must map out an exchange to stay in control often end up short-circuiting the connection. The need to control every step of every exchange is a flaw that cripples our exchanges. This may explain why in business and life we have become a society of presenters instead of conversers. Think of the business meetings that you may be forced to sit through while your colleagues plow through interminable presentations detailing their ideas and so-called insights. You may come to the next meeting with your own presentation, somehow imagining that you will “PowerPoint” your way to mutual conclusions and progress.

PowerPoint has become the archetype for exchanges. Generating power behind “points” now masquerades as a group conversation, bearing little resemblance to a real conversation. “Go ahead and put together your deck of points, and I will respond with a deck of my own!” The gift of gab has migrated to the gift of jab as we spar with one another using messaging and presentation volleys. It has become another form of one-upmanship. There is a very good reason that these slides are filled with bullet points—they are aimed at somebody.

How much meeting time and frustration could we save by tossing aside the slides and engaging in the art of conversation instead? Consider that there are many matters in life that are too important to be addressed by messaging technologies or PowerPoint presentations.

How many times have you walked into an important conversation only to walk away disappointed? How often in dialogue have you felt dismissed, trivialized, ignored, or coerced? How frequently have you left feeling insignificant and alone in your concerns?

One of the first problems that we see is a lack of curiosity. For example, have you ever walked away from an exchange truly offended by the other person’s lack of inquisitiveness? The conventional wisdom is that if you don’t get the other person talking within the first 20 seconds of conversation, the potential for connectivity has been lost or greatly compromised. And we all know what it feels like to be unplugged from a conversation!

So, how exactly do we define conversation, something that on the surface seems so obvious? There are two compelling reasons to look under the surface of what often passes for conversation and get to the very soul of what conversation is meant to be:

• Humans have a core (innate) need to connect through conversation.
• An incredible satisfaction occurs at the apex of a great conversation.

We should not accept some cheapened form of exchange that may masquerade as conversation but in reality is so much less. As a culture, we have accepted poor, tawdry substitutes. It is as if we rejected the full-course, sit-down gourmet meal and opted for the drive-through menu. Have you ever had a really great conversation while picking up dinner at the drive-through? Neither have I.

No doubt about it: as a culture, we are time impoverished. But the consequences have spilled over into our degree of connectivity with other humans. We have frayed connections––or none at all––because we don’t take time for genuine conversation. Just as we don’t sit down to eat and enjoy a full-course meal very often, we also don’t make time for a full-course conversation.

This year make a concerted effort to have conversations of substance. Take the time to understand the other person’s point of view (POV), whether it’s a client or colleague. If the right things are heard and said, then the next conversation has the potential to become memorable and defining.

Once you master the point of conversation––either as an initiator or respondent––others will recognize it immediately, and your credibility will rise, as will the quality of people who seek you out.

What is the tipping point of the best conversations you’ve ever had? It was probably when the other party really wanted to know something––and you knew they wanted to know––for the right reasons. In other words, the point of the conversation was transparently clear, and it was agreeable to you.

It is important to understand what does, and does not, constitute a conversation. Of equal importance is your ability to detect counterfeit conversations and the saboteurs that can derail your exchanges. Once you discover the natural course of conversation and the satisfaction and dignity it brings, you will no longer be satisfied with cheap substitutes. You will seek out conversation for the satisfaction it brings.

There are some issues that just happen to be the most important matters in life and business––the ones best discovered and resolved in conversation. If you gain the necessary confidence in your skills as a conversationalist, you will not give into the lures of presenting, telling, and controlling.

Instead, as you develop in the art of conversing, you will truly engage others, achieve mutuality, and achieve the connectivity that breeds success in every realm of life. Great conversationalists recognize that results don’t happen just because messages are sent, but because we connect with others through defining conversations.

Adapted from Defining Conversations:  A Little Book About a Big Idea by Scott West and Mitch Anthony.  ©2011 Advisor Insights, Inc.  For more information, click here.

Mitch Anthony is the founder and president of the Financial Life Planning Institute, the leading provider of financial life planning tools and programs. 

For more than a decade, Mitch and his team have provided training and development for both individual advisors and major organizations throughout the world. Mitch personally consults with many of the largest and most-recognizable names in the financial services industry on both financial life planning and relationship development.

Mitch has been named one of the financial services industry’s top “Movers & Shakers” for his pioneering work, and is interviewed by the media on a regular basis. The Institute is partnering with both Texas Tech University and the University of Georgia to develop financial life planning programs for their undergraduate programs. Mitch is a popular keynote speaker, columnist for Financial Advisor magazine, and host of the daily radio feature, The Daily Dose, heard on over 100 radio stations nationwide.

Mitch is also the author of many groundbreaking books for advisors and consumers, including perennial bestseller StorySelling for Financial Advisors, cited by “Financial Advisor” magazine as the number one “must-read” book for financial professionals. Mitch’s other books include From the Boiler Room to the Living Room, The New Retirementality, Your Clients for Life, Your Client’s Story, The Cash in the Hat, and The Bean is not Green. For information on these books and more resources, click here.

© 2012 Mitch Anthony