Sold, Told, Put On Hold: How to Detect a Counterfeit Conversation

Mitch Anthony

Can you recall a conversation where you really wanted to make a connection, but instead walked away feeling angry, frustrated, or discouraged? You most likely encountered a person who could not hear anything you were saying, although he went through the charade of conversing with you, even though his mind was already made up. The person was not there to hear you, understand you, or meet you halfway––he was there to convince you. Period. End of conversation.

When people want to communicate with one another, they have an abundance of techniques to choose from—some effective and some counterproductive. People don’t mind a healthy debate, but they generally don’t like to engage in an argument where their point of view is discounted. People don’t mind being advised when they are seeking advice, but they are put off by the technique when they are seeking a conversation instead. There is a time for messaging. We all recognize that there are situations where telling (presenting is a form of telling), selling, or inquiring are the appropriate responses. There is even a time and place for reprimanding or avoiding a conversation altogether.

Problems most often arise around the need for conversation. We require conversation in many situations where we instead are greeted with inappropriate substitutes such as selling, telling, arguing, avoiding, and reprimanding. These substitutes only serve to further frustrate the situation that is begging for genuine conversation. By virtue of being applied at the wrong time and in the wrong place, these techniques have become nothing more than counterfeit forms of conversation.

Conversation and inquiry almost always result in mutuality where both parties get what they want and need. Conversation and inquiry are forms of communication where we are looking to learn something and then to integrate what we learn into a dialogue. All other communication techniques available to us are forms of proving, telling, or avoiding.

If you do not understand that the true nature of conversation is the merging of meanings, your own meaning takes precedence and you revert to monologue (one-sided) tactics. Odds are, instead of a dialogue, you are more likely to encounter counterfeit conversations:

• Being sold
• Being told
• Being put on hold

The highest order of exchange available to us as humans is conversation. You need to be careful not to allow counterfeiters to depreciate the value of truly engaging in dialogue. To prevent these counterfeiting phenomena from eroding your conversations, you need to be aware of the forgeries and become adept in arresting them when they come into play.

Being Sold

These individuals are truly excited about their point of view or experience and want to share it with others. They hope that by selling you on their point of view, you will experience their same level of enthusiasm. Some sellers, however, use fear, uncertainty, and doubt to further their cause. With these types of counterfeiters, there’s a chance that their ideas are right––but they primarily tend to be pushy, unrelenting personality types who are cunningly persuasive. They know they can break you down through importunity and use this method to stay in control of both people and situations.

Being Told

These individuals have done their homework and are trying to save you the trouble of making a misguided decision. They are attempting to be rational, measured, and careful––and may truly have your best interests at heart. However, with some, the point is to convince you that you are wrong and they are right. This can be done overtly, as in, “You’ve got it wrong,” or covertly, as in, “Let me tell you what’s really happening.” The latter response is designed to insinuate that you don’t know what you’re talking about. These types of “tellers” are typically black-and-white thinkers who tend to assume defensive postures in conversation. Their general demeanor seems to say, “If you really knew what you were talking about, you wouldn’t have said that.”

Being Put On Hold

These individuals really don’t want to make a mistake. They don’t like to commit without a lot of contemplation, and could be at a place where they are either not yet convinced or are simply not comfortable taking a position on any matter infused with emotion. With some, the point is to convince you that they are going to walk away from this conversation and do something even though they have absolutely no intention of doing anything. These conversation counterfeiters can be passive-aggressive and noncommittal (people who just have a hard time deciding), or CMB-minded individuals (cover my booty) who simply don’t want to be responsible for something if it doesn’t work out.

It takes two to have a conversation. If two people are not participating, conversations become an exercise in futility. When you recognize a counterfeit conversation or conversation counterfeiter, you can diplomatically steer the conversation back toward a dialogue where two people are not only talking but also listening and responding.

Adapted from Defining Conversations:  A Little Book About a Big Idea by Scott West and Mitch Anthony.  ©2011 Advisor Insights, Inc.  For more information, click here.

Mitch Anthony is the founder and president of the Financial Life Planning Institute, the leading provider of financial life planning tools and programs. 

For more than a decade, Mitch and his team have provided training and development for both individual advisors and major organizations throughout the world. Mitch personally consults with many of the largest and most-recognizable names in the financial services industry on both financial life planning and relationship development.

Mitch has been named one of the financial services industry’s top “Movers & Shakers” for his pioneering work, and is interviewed by the media on a regular basis. The Institute is partnering with both Texas Tech University and the University of Georgia to develop financial life planning programs for their undergraduate programs. Mitch is a popular keynote speaker, columnist for Financial Advisor magazine, and host of the daily radio feature, The Daily Dose, heard on over 100 radio stations nationwide.

Contact him at mitch@mitchanthony.com.

© 2011 Mitch Anthony