The Art of Paying Attention and Listening

Jeffrey L. Gitterman

The DVD version of the 1994 film, Pulp Fiction, includes a few deleted scenes that Quentin Tarantino chose not to use in the final cut.  In one scene, Mia Wallace (played by Uma Thurman) assumes the role of Barbara Walters as she “interviews” Vincent Vega (played by John Travolta).  With video camera in hand, Mia asks Vincent a simple yet profound question: “In conversation, do you listen or wait to talk?” To this, Vincent thoughtfully responds, “I have to admit that I wait to talk––but I’m trying hard to listen.”

The only way you can truly put your attention on another person is by learning to listen in silence. And silence doesn’t only mean refraining from speaking. It also means quieting the ongoing dialogue in your own head––the mental noise––so that you can focus on the other person and what he or she is communicating to you. 

While there are many ways to approach listening, there are, generally speaking, three kinds of listeners:

1. The “waiting to talk” listener.  This person is merely waiting for his chance to speak. He hears just enough to tell his own story about the subject being discussed. Conversations with these people often morph into “Who can top this?” storytelling sessions.
2. The “active” listener.  This person may have read an article about listening, or taken a class. She is constantly shaking or nodding her head or saying: “U-huh….Yes.  Yes.” Perhaps she took an “advanced sales class” and is “mirroring” the other person’s body language (while at the same time calculating her anticipated commission or thinking about the errand she needs to run later). All the while, she hasn’t heard a word the other party has said.
3. The silent listener and counselor.  This person has learned to silence his internal dialogue and make eye contact. The only words he speaks are open-ended questions designed to dig deeper and elicit more information from the other person.

Which type of listener are you?

Have you ever noticed that the words listen and silent are spelled with the same letters? I think this is appropriate, because they mean the same thing. Have you ever talked to someone and walked away feeling enriched because she was such a good listener, even if she was a complete stranger? This talent is what separates sales reps from true financial advisors (or as Mitch Anthony has defined them, “financial life advisors”). Interestingly, it is also the trait most people refer to in a great leader: the ability to listen. Great leaders listen and give us the attention we need. Your role as an advisor is to lead your clients.

Some of my clients have called me a buoy of calm in an ocean of turbulence. Once I arrived for an appointment with a doctor client when he had just gotten home from work. He’d had a bad day, got home late, and was running around trying to get ready for me. The doctor and his wife were frazzled, and their eight-year-old daughter was bouncing off the walls, happy to have her parents home and craving their attention. I remember being acutely aware of how much these people just needed calm. It was one of the first moments where I really started to consciously put my attention on my clients. I gave this family 100 percent of my attention. I don’t remember what we spoke about (it doesn’t really matter in the context of this example); I mostly just listened to them. But within ten minutes, the doctor’s daughter fell asleep on her mother’s lap, and the mother leaned back in her chair. The doctor loosened his tie, his breathing calmed, and the frenzied atmosphere in the room relaxed. He turned to me at the end of the appointment and said I must have hypnotized his family. This is an example of what paying attention––and listening––can do for both you and your clients.

Paying attention and listening are both powerful ways to reach people, yet there are some advisors that assume these behaviors put them in a position of weakness with their clients: “I don’t want to get walked all over!” But actually the apposite is true. It often becomes easier to say “No” to something that you see isn’t going to work out because there’s not a sense of desperation driving you to try and get more business. It’s easier to protect yourself and make the right decisions for both you and your client when you’re not coming from a position of needing the business. For example, you might be meeting with a client, listening to what they want from you, and then saying, “No, I can’t do that; it wouldn’t be beneficial for both of us.” Your client will thank you, and you will both benefit. 

Try giving your attention completely to others when you meet with them––and then see what happens. When you’re in that space, you’ll know exactly what decisions to make when it comes to business and your client relationships.

Adapted from Beyond Success: Redefining the Meaning of Prosperity by Jeffrey L. Gitterman, ©2009 Jeffrey L. Gitterman.  Published by AMACOM.

Jeffrey L. Gitterman is one of ING Financial’s top advisors. His Beyond Success seminars have been among the highest-rated training programs at the company for several years. Jeff has been interviewed and featured in TV shows and magazines, including Money, CNN, and Fortune Small Business. For more information, please see www.beyondsuccessconsulting.com.